


Safe Is Your Heart

by smilindesperado



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Canon Compliant, Childhood Friends, Drama & Romance, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Post-Canon, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:01:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29146347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smilindesperado/pseuds/smilindesperado
Summary: Communication was never really one of their strengths.Six times Zuko and Mai hold back and one time they get it right.
Relationships: Mai/Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 74
Kudos: 131
Collections: AtLA <25k fics to read





	1. Friends or Something Like It

**Author's Note:**

> Do I have a WIP that I haven't touched in three months? Yes. Have I started fifty other outlines and stories in that time? Also yes. Here is something that is basically finished outside of a few final edits here and there. I figured it would be appropriate to post this throughout the month of February with Valentine's Day around the corner (also if I don't post it now I'll just edit it into oblivion and it will never see the light of day).
> 
> The first few chapters take place pre-show and throughout series and include some common Maiko headcanons and tropes that I hadn't had a chance to explore yet, so I really enjoyed tackling my own interpretation of them.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> First chapter takes place around the timeframe of the Zuko Alone flashbacks.

“Show me how to use a knife.”

Zuko stands in front of Mai, arms crossed. He taps his foot impatiently (nervously) as he awaits her response. 

His approach is intentionally direct. He _is_ the Prince afterall, and he knows that she, in theory, should listen to his orders. Azula bosses her around all the time, and Mai listens to _her_ even if the girls are technically friends.

But Mai is not Zuko’s friend. Not really.

He knows Mai, has known Mai for years, but doesn’t really know her. There are foggy, half-formed memories of playing with her and other high born children when their mother’s would take tea together, but it’s not like he could recall a specific conversation they may or may not have had. Azula had laid claim to Mai early on and Zuko knows better than to try to share with his sister.

So Mai is not his friend and their interactions so far have been limited to grumbling together when Azula and Ty Lee force them into games, the two older children being paired off by Azula for reasons he could only imagine are due to their reluctance to participate at all. He, at least, preferred being paired up with quiet Mai over bouncy Ty Lee. 

Zuko was fine with their limited interactions up until recently. 

He had been playing (no _training)_ with his new Earth Kingdom dagger that Uncle had gifted him while his sister watched out of the corner of her eye, pretending to read the scroll in front of her. She scoffed at a particularly theatrical lunge, and he spun around, shooting her a scowl as his face grew warm.

_“What?!”_

_“You look stupid. That’s not how you fight with a knife.”_

_“And how would you know?”_

_“Because Mai trains with knives and it looks nothing like that.”_

Zuko rolled his eyes and turned to continue his mock battle when his sister’s words registered, causing him pause. 

_“Wait, Mai trains with knives?”_

Initially, he was somewhat skeptical. Azula tended to lie or exaggerate, especially if it was to make him feel more inadequate. He couldn’t picture the quiet, still girl training with _anything_ really. Then again it was more rare for academy students to not learn some sort of combat training and it’s not like he could picture her choosing another form of combat either.

So he chose to believe his sister this time (knows it’s still probably a mistake to do so). Even though he wished Azula went about her approach differently, she was in theory, correct; If he has a knife, he should learn how to properly use it.

He was sure in his decision earlier, but now as he stands in front of Mai, Zuko has his doubts.

She regards him with a frown and a squint. Her cheeks are flushed and he worries he’s offended her. Maybe she lets Azula boss her around like that _because_ they are friends, and now she probably thinks that he’s just a meaner bossier version of Azula (like that’s even possible).

Maybe she’s called his bluff and knows that he does not intend for her to suffer any consequences; that he’s more likely to pout and storm off than inflict any sort of punishment upon her if she chooses to reject him.

Perhaps he could have asked (he _should_ have asked) instead. But he preferred to avoid the embarrassment and shot to his pride in the face of rejection. Plus he’s the prince. He shouldn’t have to _ask_ for things.

Mai still hasn’t given him an answer and he shifts awkwardly under her gaze. His resolve withers under her scrutiny and he decides that he doesn’t really want to force her to do something she’s not interested in, anyway. 

Zuko alters his approach.

“Um...Azula mentioned that you were training with knives and you were really good at it,” he offers by way of explanation. “And Uncle gave me a dagger and I thought I should learn how to use it.”

Her face relaxes into something unreadable, though not malicious, as she finally reaches her conclusion. “Okay.”

***

To Zuko’s surprise their training session isn’t terrible. If his mother were to ask, some words he might use to describe it would be _good_ and _fine_ and _kinda nice._

Mai explains to him that she doesn’t really focus on close combat training but instead distance. She trains with small daggers and kunai rather than something like Zuko’s knife, but she can teach him what she knows if he’s still interested. Zuko could argue that he’s now even _more_ interested, but he just nods along agreeably instead of voicing it aloud.

They practice with his dagger and she explains the importance of the weight of the hilt and the speed of the rotation. Her instruction is blunt and to the point even though it’s still the most he thinks he’s ever heard her speak. When there are lulls in the instruction, he waits for her to say more because he has been hanging onto every single word.

He is, quite frankly, impressed by her.

She takes the dagger from him. Zuko observes as she goes through the motions, graceful and steady. Even though she had lamented that his knife isn’t a proper throwing dagger and wasn’t weighted for this use, her aim is still perfect. There’s a flash of the steel as she releases the knife and hits the freshly carved ‘X’ in the center of the apple tree dead center. It is...slightly terrifying, but the quick sting of fear quickly transforms into admiration because that was honestly so _cool._

She demonstrates a few more times, pointing out details here and there that she says he should begin to pick up if he’s watching closely (he is). He follows how she angles her body towards the target, her posture tall and sure. How she casually spins the knife between her hands in ritual before her fingers steady around the handle. How there is the smallest dip in her brows and her lips press together when she raises her arms and in one fluid motion extends her hand and the knife releases - a quick flash of steel and then thunk as it embeds skillfully into the makeshift target. 

She punctures the tree with ease time and time again, and Zuko now could never see how this wasn’t a part of her all along.

Between her flawless demonstrations and helpful instruction, Zuko does not think there’s a chance that he could possibly fail when it’s his turn to try.

He still does.

His first attempt hits the tree - very off target - and the knife doesn’t stick. Instead it clatters to the ground pathetically. He produces a similar result the second try. The third time it doesn’t bounce to the ground. Instead the hilt sticks straight up out of the dirt approximately two meters in front of him - it’s trajectory from his hands launched straight towards the earth.

How is he so bad at this?

Mai sighs, probably wondering the same. She pulls the dagger out of the ground, her nose scrunching in disgust as she eyes the earth sticking to the formerly pristine blade. She pulls out a handkerchief and works on polishing away the dirt.

Zuko growls in frustration. 

“I don’t get it!” he shouts.

She offers the dagger back by the hilt, still using the handkerchief to hold the blade. “Your rotation is off.”

“No kidding,” he grumbles as he takes the dagger back and eyes it for damage. She shakes the dirt from her handkerchief before folding it and tucking it away.

“You’re trying to throw it too hard,” she explains. “It’s about accuracy first. Strength and speed come after.”

His face twists in confusion. 

She rolls her eyes at him, though it’s not mean-spirited. “You need to focus more on your wrist.” 

She steps towards him and he realizes that he’s never been this close to her before. Never noticed how soft her hair looks or how red her ears were. Did she get sunburned? They’ve been standing under the shade for the most part, but he’s pretty sure he would have noticed her ears being that red earlier.

She reaches out to grab his arm and he braces for the contact (even though he doesn’t understand why), but she hesitates. She flicks her eyes up to his (a soft pale gold, he notes). 

“May I?” she asks.

He swallows back the lump in his throat and nods as she grabs his wrist gently. He almost jumps at how cold her fingers are (and for no other reason). 

“Your wrist is too stiff when you throw, but if you release as you flick your wrist like this-” she explains as she guides his wrist to flick and aim, her fingers graze over his as she demonstrates when she would let go “-you’ll have better control.”

She steps away far too soon as the space beside him suddenly feels very absent. He looks over to where she now stands and nods, determined.

Zuko rolls his shoulders and turns back towards his target. He follows her advice, doesn’t swing his arm as hard, instead concentrating on his wrist. The knife doesn’t hit the target, but the _thunk_ it makes as it embeds itself into the tree is more than satisfying.

He spins around to gauge her reaction. She’s facing forward, focusing on the knife sticking out of the tree (and seemingly very intently _not_ at him), but a small smile tugs at the corners of her lips. She crosses her arms casually and tilts her head.

“Better.”

His chest swells as an accomplished grin spreads across his face. He fetches the knife from the tree, eager to continue practicing his newfound technique.

***

He’s lost count of his attempts when he finally hits his mark. It’s not _quite_ dead center, but Zuko still can’t stop the toothy grin that takes over as he approaches the target and eyes his handiwork.

“Not bad,” Mai says evenly behind him. He spins around and is about to protest against her indifference until he catches sight of her small, wry smile and eyes alight with interest.

He mirrors her expression and crosses his arms in front of his chest, smug and proud. “I bet no one else you’ve taught has picked it up this quickly.”

She rolls her eyes dramatically. “That’s because I haven’t taught anyone else.”

“Not even Azula?” he asks casually and tries to avoid thinking about how his heart thuds the realization that this lesson was reserved just for him.

Mai shrugs. “She hasn’t asked,” she explains. “Or _ordered.”_

Zuko inhales sharply, his face suddenly growing hot as he cringes at the memory of his initial approach to their training session. It wasn’t his _best_ moment. If he had just asked, it would have saved him from that brief panic and his current embarrassment. In hindsight, he regrets even thinking that intimidation was the better alternative to simply asking. 

“It was a joke,” she says when he doesn’t respond.

He puffs out a breath in relief that he hadn’t completely offended her earlier. He _should_ probably apologize for ordering her around, but decides it’s probably better if he just doesn’t mention it at all.

“Thank you,” Zuko mumbles instead and rubs the back of his neck in an attempt to shake out his embarrassment.

He had actually _liked_ spending time with Mai, and he’s pretty sure she’s been enjoying their training session as well (or at least, not hating it). Even though they’ve spent all afternoon together, Mai is still a bit hard to read. She says things so evenly and monotone that he doesn’t always pick up on her sarcasm, but once he catches on it almost feels like he’s discovered her secret language and he’s only just scratched the surface.

He finds himself wanting to learn more.

There must be other techniques she could show him, or more she has to say. Her barely there smiles and good-natured sarcasm led him to believe that she must not have _hated_ their afternoon. He realizes he could, probably, just ask.

Zuko opens his mouth to say _something_ but clamps it shut when he’s interrupted by his sister’s familiar shrill behind him.

“Mai! There you are. You’re always so quiet we didn’t even realize you were missing.”

He spins around to glare at Azula marching towards them, Ty Lee bounding behind her.

Azula looks past him, addressing Mai. “I hope Zuzu was good company, though I doubt it.”

“I’m better company than _you,_ ” he answers for her and quietly hopes that Mai doesn’t state her preference (even _if_ he’s now more than a little curious).

Azula continues to ignore him, which only causes him to stew further. 

“Come on, Mai. We’re leaving,” she orders and with a tilt of her chin strides past them with Ty Lee in tow.

Zuko looks to Mai although he already knows what she will choose. She keeps her head down, and her mouth takes on the shape of an unimpressed frown. Her eyes flick up to meet his briefly. She looks like she might have something to say. He wonders if maybe _he_ should say something, anything to find out what she might want, but the potential for rejection with Azula still in earshot is not worth the risk.

Her eyes return to the ground and she walks to the edge of the courtyard where Azula is impatiently waiting. Zuko watches as the girls disappear around the corner. Mai does not look back his way before she is out of sight.

It was a nice afternoon, but it had to come to an end sometime, he supposes.

***

It was a nice afternoon, but it had to come to an end sometime, she supposes.

Mai allows herself to briefly wonder when she’ll be able to spend time with Zuko again, but quickly banishes the thought. He can practice on his own and probably doesn’t need her help anymore. It’s not like he thought of her as a friend.


	2. Good Luck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mai plans a confession. Featuring the infamous Maiko heart-shaped lava rock that never was.

It sits warm in her palm, a small black stone heated by the afternoon sun. Mai’s finger drags along the edges, tracing its shape.

The rock had caught her eye - its darkness standing out against the red volcanic rocks that bordered the edges of the garden pond. She had picked it up, turning it over in her hand before preparing to toss it into the shallow waters in front of her... 

...but now the rock takes the shape of something as it lays in its current position in her palm, and she hesitates.

It kind of looks like…

“It’s a heart.” 

Zuko’s voice snaps her from her trance and she turns her head to where he’s seated at her left. He had leaned towards her to get a better look at her current object of interest, and Mai is slowly growing overwhelmed at their closeness. She peels her stare from him and turns back to the rock in her hand in an attempt to reclaim her composure.

“It’s a rock,” she responds dully.

Zuko expels an unamused snort, a common reaction to her bluntness that never fails to pull a ghost of a smile from her lips.

“Obviously,” he says, “But it looks kind of like a-” He snaps his mouth shut, blushing. His spine goes rigid and he shifts his gaze awkwardly to his feet crossed underneath him. He finishes the sentence with a murmur so low that Mai can barely hear it. “...heart.”

Mai shrugs. A poor attempt to convey an air of indifference as her own face grows warm. “I guess.”

She flips the rock over a few times in her hand. Her eyes follow along as they outline the shape in her mind, now impossible to unsee.

Mai makes a very conscious effort to  _ not  _ think about hearts and the boy sitting next to her at the same time. Especially after last week’s incident.

Over the years, her very silly childhood crush had transformed into something slightly more terrifying in no small part due to the fact that she no longer finds herself pining from afar. She can now conduct all of her pining up close.

Their relationship had blossomed slowly after the afternoon spent training together. It began mostly as mumbled greetings and small smiles in passing. But his mother disappeared shortly after and then things shifted between them.

Mai often noticed him sitting alone staring out sadly across the garden pond. Azula would say it was his fault - he should have made friends with someone other than their mother, but Mai understood what it felt like to be forgotten and left behind.

Mai approached him first, surprising herself almost as much as Zuko. She claimed sitting with him beat tumbling in the weeds with Azula and Ty Lee, but she knew it was more than that. While it earned her a fair share of teasing from her friends, it was easy for Mai to ignore like she did most unfavorable things. Zuko had a harder time with it, but his outbursts eventually faded with time devolving from stomping his feet to vehement denial to now only muttered annoyances. Eventually, despite the teasing, he sought her out too.

Things were going well up until a week ago when Azula came along and inserted herself into their relationship. As usual.

Left to their own devices during some celebratory dinner at the palace, Azula suggested a game of Truth or Dare. Mai doesn’t ever remember agreeing to play, but somehow Azula had still chosen her to go first, most likely a punishment from earlier in the evening when Mai had been so bold as to actually ignore Azula in favor of her brother. A decision that Azula was sure to make her regret.

_ “Whatever. Truth.” _

_ “Mai, you’re so boring.” _

_ “I’m playing, aren’t I? This is your dumb game.” _

_ “Fine,” Azula eyes narrow into something mischievous and Mai braces for her punishment. The princess then flicks her gaze over to Zuko and a wave of panic washes over Mai. “Do you have a crush on Zuko?” _

_ Her face grows hot. Mai runs through the scenarios that will allow her to extract herself from the situation, but she comes up empty. _

_ “If you don’t want to answer then the dare is you have to kiss him.” _

_ Zuko blinks rapidly and his cheeks turn an unnatural shade of red. Mai is crushingly paralyzed with embarrassment and even her brain fails to conjure up a coherent thought. But then his shoulders sag and the look on his face is almost hurt and Mai realizes that he had come to his own conclusion of what her decision was going to be.  _

_ Zuko turns back to his sister and scowls. _

_ “Mai doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to, Azula. You should be nicer to your friends.” And he stomps off. _

She was hoping to leave the horror of that night behind, but the unanswered question still hangs heavily around them, suffocating their already delicate friendship.

Mai took too long to muster her courage and he mistook her hesitation for unwillingness. 

The problem was, she  _ did  _ want to kiss him. Very much actually. And she wanted him to know.

She looks back at the rock and an idea creeps it’s way into her mind, but Mai quickly brushes it away. 

While still concentrating very hard on  _ not  _ thinking about hearts and Zuko, he must have composed himself enough as his voice returns to it’s usual steadiness when he speaks again.

“You seem really interested in it if it’s  _ just a rock.” _

Mai rolls her eyes. “I just wasn’t expecting it to be so warm.”

Zuko’s eyes flick down to the rock with interest. “Can I see?”

She presents the rock to him on her open palm and does  _ not  _ think about how warm his own fingers are when they brush against her.

“It’s just because it was sitting out in the sun,” she explains as he flips the rock over in his hand. His fingers pulse open and closed around the stone curiously. “Black and dark colors absorb warmth better.”

He pauses his inspection to glance up at her. “Is that why you always wear dark colors?”

“No. I just don’t dress like an idiot,” she answers, scrunching her nose in offense. She’s not quite sure if it’s a joke or he’s actually asking in earnest, but she doesn’t appreciate the comment either way.

He laughs low and soft as he hands the stone back to her. She should just tell him to toss it in the pond or return it to the other rocks or to just keep it (wait, no, why would he keep it?), but she takes it back anyway, even if she doesn’t quite understand why.

“I think I know why you’re so interested in it,” he says nodding towards the rock returned in her hand. 

She lifts her eyebrows in question as a sly grin spreads across his face. The tips of her ears feel like they’re practically burning. 

“That’s probably what  _ your  _ heart looks like.”

Mai’s eyes narrow. Maybe she should throw the stupid rock at him.

“Ha ha,” she deadpans.

“Oh come on, Mai. I’m just kidding,” he says. Mai tries not to linger too much on how the way he says her name makes her stomach flip.

A hungry turtle duck interrupts them with an impatient series of quacks, probably annoyed at the extended break Zuko had taken to harass Mai about the curiously shaped rock. He tears off a piece of the bun at his side and tosses it to the bird’s satisfaction.

Mai is grateful the conversation about the rock is dropped as they fall back into a companionable silence. Zuko feeds the small huddle of birds now quacking happily and Mai watches the ducks greedily scarf down their meal until the last of it disappears and they disperse to the opposite end of the water.

When Azula and Ty Lee had taken to sparring in the garden, Mai still joined Zuko by the pond despite the awkwardness around them. It was the first time since last week’s incident, but Mai pushed aside her own misgivings because she could tell there was something else weighing on him that was bigger than some dumb crush.

It is not uncommon for Mai to find him sitting in silent introspection on mild afternoons, especially when she knows that there is something bothering him - his training, his studies, his responsibility as heir, all of it coursing constantly through his mind. 

Some days he will let all of his frustrations spill forth, but some days, like today, he keeps his thoughts for himself. Mai doesn’t prod. She can empathize holding onto certain feelings only for yourself. Besides she’s not very skilled with comforting words and Zuko seems to appreciate her silent companionship enough.

Also, she usually doesn’t  _ need  _ to ask what’s on his mind. Mai finds him fairly easy to read, and unfortunately, she’s not the only one.

Azula and Ty Lee have taken a break from their training and move to sit under the shade of the tree that hangs over the pond. Ty Lee has barely flopped onto the grass before Azula’s tormenting begins.

“You know, Zuzu, if you were as interested in Dad’s work as you are in feeding turtle ducks all day, he might actually ask for your help,” Azula taunts.

Mai sighs. Zuko takes bait like he always does.

“What would  _ you  _ know about that, Azula?” he argues. “It’s not like Dad’s asking for your help, either.”

Azula crosses her arms and sticks her tongue out. “Maybe he has. For all  _ you  _ know I was invited to this week’s war meeting and just haven’t told you. Wouldn’t want to rub it in your face.”

“I doubt that,” he grumbles.

Mai also doubts that, but when Azula and Ty Lee turn from them to converse among themselves Zuko still searches for confirmation from Mai.

“She’s  _ not  _ invited to that war meeting, is she?”

Mai shrugs. “Not that I know of.”

He nods, relieved, but Mai can tell by the way his eyes focus on nothing in particular at the edges of the pond that Azula had struck a chord.

It’s later when her house servant comes to escort her home when Mai realizes that at some point during the exchange she had subconsciously pocketed the small black rock in her sleeve, right up against the pulse on her wrist.

***

When Mai spots Zuko a few days later, he confesses that he plans to attend the upcoming war meeting, that he had to at least  _ try. _ He didn’t need to justify it to her, she understands his reasoning even if it’s nothing she would ever object herself to. Nothing sounds less appealing than spending all day sitting through something so dreadfully boring with a bunch of stuffy old men.

When Azula catches wind of Zuko’s plans, she only scoffs and says that he’ll probably be turned away on site.

On the day of the meeting, Mai finds herself staring at the peculiar heart-shaped rock (now sitting on her dresser instead of tossed out the window like she had initially planned) and that former ghost of an idea returns. Before she can overthink it, she pockets the rock and heads to the palace.

It’s a silly idea, really, but something tells her that the war meeting probably isn’t going to go as Zuko wishes. Mai knows that the  _ best  _ case scenario is that the meeting is underwhelming, an idea that was more appealing in theory than in action. The worst case scenario (the one that Azula thinks is most probable) is rejection, shut out and sent away before he even gets the chance. It would be a disastrous hit to his already fragile ego, especially if Azula finds him sulking by the garden pond before Mai can.

Her fingers run along the edges of the stone in her pocket as Mai tries to convince herself that she  _ won’t _ make an absolute fool of herself.

Her plan is simple - get his mind off of the likely disappointing and underwhelming war meeting with a very stupid gesture of affection. She’ll give him the rock and then say something dumb about him having her heart...or whatever. She hasn’t landed on a way to word the confession that does not result in vomit-inducing sweetness.

Still, Mai knows that it probably will cheer him up. He’s always liked stupid plays and poems (something she finds ridiculously endearing for whatever reason), and he would likely appreciate her divulging him in the silly romantic symbolism of it all. 

Plus it was an equally beneficial gesture. It will (hopefully) cheer Zuko up and (even more hopefully) act as both her subsequent apology for not kissing him and confession that she would very much like to do so.

Even though she knows this, there is still a ghost of doubt that keeps whispering to her in the back of her mind. Rejection also happens to be her worst case scenario for the day.

Mai comes across Zuko before she can even reach the gardens. It catches her off guard when she spots him stomping through the halls in his training robes with royal guards flanking his sides. Their eyes connect and he nods to her in acknowledgement, but his face remains stiff and determined, eyebrows tugged into a glare.

She approaches him. It’s not until she stands in front of him that she realizes he had not intended to stop and greet her. But he  _ has  _ stopped now even if he looks like he’s ready to jump out of his skin. 

“One of the generals challenged me to an Agni Kai,” he answers her silent question and all thoughts regarding the rock vanish from her mind.

“Agni Kai?” She frowns.

He nods. “I can tell you more later, but I have to go.”

Mai presses her lips together, because she doesn’t quite know what to say. Maybe there was nothing  _ to  _ say. She can only manage a nod.

He steps past her, her feet remaining frozen as he continues down the hall when she suddenly remembers the rock. She wonders if maybe she should give it to him now, a piece of her to carry with him into battle. A token of good luck.

“Zuko,” she calls out to him. He pauses abruptly and looks at her over his shoulder, but any romantic drivel about holding onto her heart die on her tongue.

“Good luck,” she says instead. He nods, stiff and focused, and flashes a small grateful smile before continuing forward. 

She watches him disappear down the hall as the heart weighs impossibly heavy in her pocket.

***

Mai learns that this is, in fact, the worst case scenario.

Tears sting her eyes as she stands at the side of the pond, the garden uncomfortably still as if it too was in mourning.

Mai focuses on the sound of her breath, worried that if she doesn’t then she might forget how to drag the air into her lungs. Her fingers fumble over the rock that still sits dreadfully in her pocket and her vision blurs. There is a suffocating weight that closes around her heart and pulls her down. Dread fuels her thoughts as she fears she may feel like this forever. 

She closes a fist around the rock, channeling all of her anger and sadness and loneliness into it. A wounded growl rumbles in her throat and she uses all of the emotions coursing through her veins to power her swing and she throws, launching the stone into the pond. 

It hits the water with a  _ plop _ , and the splash it yields is too small and unsatisfying for her taste.

She crumples onto the ground and the air chills her tear stained cheeks.

It was a stupid idea anyway.

***

A year into his banishment and Uncle has taken to stopping by every single trade port they pass. The old man claims that they’re the best place to catch rumors of Avatar sightings, but Zuko knows that the old general’s motivation is mostly driven by his affinity for junk. It is a maddening waste of time, but it’s not like they have any other leads.

A jewelry vendor entices Uncle with the emerald shell of a bejeweled turtle duck, and Zuko is begrudgingly dragged along.

Inside the shop, a ray of sunlight reflects off of a smoothed surface and the obsidian gem catches his eye. Zuko is violently reminded of a girl who’s silky hair shone the same way, of a black stone warm in her hands, her fingers soft and cool as they brush against his, the rock peculiarly heart-shaped, just like the one currently in front of him. 

Well, not exactly like it. The gem on display has been carefully crafted and carved, much unlike the one they had stumbled upon only a year ago who’s shape did not need to be manufactured.

“That’s a handsome jewel nephew,” his uncle’s voice at his back drags him away from his memories. “We should purchase it if you’re so taken.”

Zuko scowls at his uncle over his shoulder. Purchase it for what, exactly? To sit uselessly at his bedside, another reminder of a place that he has failed, of people he has lost due to his own inadequacy?

He does not need those reminders for he knows of his shortcomings all too well.

“It’s just a rock,” he says. He has no need for the sentimentality that Uncle wishes for him.

Zuko turns and marches out of the shop. Uncle sighs sadly behind him before padding quickly to catch up as Zuko makes his way back to the harbor.

It was a stupid idea, anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: writing this chapter made me sad :)


	3. Goodbyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zuko makes his decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jumping ahead to mid season 3 and Nightmares & Daydreams. Let's have a moment of silence for the drafts left behind in Ba Sing Se and at the Beach. May they find their purpose in a future fic.

His father announces his plans for the comet, arms raised in glory as his council applauds his ferocity and decisiveness. 

Zuko does not join the lauding. 

Instead his stomach churns as visions of his father’s attack flash in his mind; villages burning to the ground, survivors mourning for their dead, families torn apart even more than what this war has already inflicted upon them.

For once, his resolve is clear.

Zuko stays quiet, knows now is not the time to speak out (the scar on his eye a burning reminder). He will get his satisfaction later. As the generals and ministers discuss their plans for Sozin’s comet, he makes plans of his own. There is only one person who can stop this war once and for all and he needs to help Uncle find him.

There is not much time - the comet is less than two months away. His best chance for escape is the solar eclipse that is happening tomorrow, which means that the Avatar (pending his survival) will be within reach. Zuko needs to use the brief moment of the eclipse to release his Uncle from jail and either find the Avatar in the capital or follow in their escape.

It’s very likely that the Avatar and his group will be suspicious of him, understandably, but Zuko hopes that Uncle’s presence will help his cause, especially when they extend the offer to teach the Avatar fire bending.

After that the path forward is a little more uncertain, but he knows that the endgame is a world freed and at peace. 

Zuko had thought that it would be much harder to commit to dethrone his own Father, especially when he had spent the majority of his life seeking the man’s approval. But his conscience is vibrantly clear. This is perhaps the most sure he has ever been about anything ever in his life.

The inner turmoil arrives later.

Mai is waiting for him outside of the throne room and joins his side as he passes through. He only tells her the details he thinks are important for her to hear and leaves the rest of his thoughts to dissect for later.

There is an invitation for tea back at her house if he is inclined to take his mind off of things, but he is not. Zuko tears his gaze away from his father’s tapestry and looks at Mai for the first time during the exchange. Her mouth tilts in disappointment and he immediately regrets shutting her down so swiftly.

It was a barely noticeable change, one of the many small expressions that he had only recently begun to interpret fluently. The different intonations of sighs, the fractal movements of her lips from smiles to frowns to grimaces, the slight flush in her cheeks the quietest hitch in her breath, of her subtle touches and squeezes of silent communication - all understood because she had allowed him in to learn her secrets.

And now he was leaving it all behind. Leaving  _ her  _ behind. He was a fool for thinking something could ever be so easy. There always had to be something to challenge his resolve.

But, he is still here, for now.

Zuko offers to escort her home instead and her shoulders relax a fraction, informing him that his compromise is satisfactory. She takes his arm as they make their way through the palace, and he now has a new decision to make.

He runs through the options in his mind and weighs their outcomes.

He could be honest with her, explain his plans and hope she’ll understand. While she wasn’t necessarily a political zealot, the Fire Nation’s ideals and one-sided views have been ingrained in her since she could walk. She didn’t have the first-hand experiences he had to know any better. If he tells her, there’s a good chance that she’ll call him crazy and try to convince him to stay. She could wear him down and he’ll give in, assure her that he’ll at least sleep on it. But tomorrow will come and he will still leave.

She could also turn him in, even if it’s in an effort to protect him, and he’ll be locked up before sunrise.

As he turns through the scenarios in his mind, the one that yields the most positive result is asking her to run away  _ with  _ him. He would have to work hard to convince her that he had actually thought this through and he was  _ not  _ suffering from a lapse in judgement, but there is a chance it could work if she trusts him. But if it doesn’t (if she doesn’t), then he arrives back to his first two problems of confiding in her.

Additionally, even if she does agree to join him, there’s a very good chance that this does not end well. He knows this - accepted this long ago when he was still sitting in that war meeting. A large number of things could go wrong. The Avatar and his group could reject him, giving him nowhere to go, a traitor to the Fire Nation and enemy of everyone else. The Avatar  _ could  _ actually be dead (although Zuko believes this one is the least likely). They could, also, run out of time before the comet; the Avatar  _ could  _ lose to his father, and Zuko and whoever else involved dying horrible deaths in the process.

No, he concludes. This is not her fight.

“Zuko,” she calls out, breaking the silence. He comes back to himself and realizes that they are already outside of the palace grounds, her front door only a few dozen steps away.

These were, very likely, his last moments with her and he was spending the whole time lost to his own thoughts. What a waste.

“Sorry,” he rasps, trying to find his voice. “I’m just thinking about tomorrow, that’s all.” 

He does his best attempt at a reassuring smile, but he knows she’s not convinced. However she does not pry, something that he has always appreciated. Instead, she slides her hand down from it’s hold on his elbow to entwine with his fingers.

“It was your first meeting back. It’ll get better,” she says and gives his hand a squeeze, a small but affectionate gesture that on a normal night would help to calm his nerves. “You probably just built up all of these high expectations and it ended up being just another boring meeting. Getting your hopes up like that usually leads to disappointment.”

A breathy chuckle escapes his throat. “That’s pretty morbid, Mai. Even for you.”

Mai shrugs, but there’s still a small smile that plays on her lips. 

They come to a stop as they reach the steps of her house. Zuko uses the time to take her in, wondering if it will be his last. He runs his thumb back and forth over her knuckles, memorizing this feeling of her hand in his. 

Her eyes search his and ask a question that he’s not sure he can answer. He brings his other hand up to cup her cheek as he tries to steady his desires. If there was a time to tell her of his plans, this was it. But as he stares at her, her eyes imploring him with so much intensity that he thinks he might burst, all coherent speech stills in his throat.

He is not ready to let go just yet.

He reluctantly breaks from his ruminating as he remembers that they are not alone. He takes note of the palace guards that accompanied them and turns back to her. 

“I can’t stay, but can I come inside?”

A knowing smirk confirms her answer. “Of course.”

Zuko nods to the guards, commanding them to remain at their post and escorts Mai through her front doors. He lights a few of the lanterns in the dim foyer and she closes the door behind them. The door clicks shut and in the privacy of the hall he grabs onto her wrist as she gravitates into him. The light from the lanterns flickers across her face, dancing in the pale gold of her eyes.

Seeing her like this, contented and oblivious to his troubles, he knows he cannot tell her now. So he kisses her instead.

It is with a painful reluctance Zuko that the finality of this moment weighs on him. The last time they will kiss, the last he will ever hold her in his arms. At the very least, he rationalizes to make use of this knowledge. His mouth presses against hers carefully, kissing slowly in hopes that he can capture the feeling of every single nerve ending on his lips in this moment.

When they break apart, Mai leans her forehead against his and her heightened breath is warm against his lips. He takes her face in one hand, running his thumb along her cheek to the curve of her lips, carefully mapping her features. A hand reaches around the back of his neck, pulling his face back into her, and he happily complies to her demands, reaching for her waist. His lips crash back down onto hers and she stumbles backwards until she is pressed against the wall. A soft gasp escapes her throat at the contact and it sends a shiver down his spine. He is certain that sound will haunt him on the lonely nights that are to come.

As much as Zuko wishes he could lose himself to her, shelve his troubles for tomorrow, there is no time for that tonight. Instead he must concentrate on storing every sensation vibrating through him to hold onto until his last days. He kisses down her jaw as the melody of a happy sigh sings in his ears. He steadies her head with his hand, his fingers snaking through her soft as silk hair as he inhales the scent of cherry blossoms. His other hand is left clutching desperately at her waist, holding her tightly into him. 

How could he ever let go of this?

But then the sound of someone impatiently clearing their throat interrupts, and the dreamy mirage of these final moments shatters around him.

Still entwined with one another, the two snap their attention towards the end of the hall where a house servant observes them with disapproval.

“May I put on a pot of tea for you and the Prince?” they ask with a judgemental frown.

Mai sighs and looks to Zuko, turning the question back to him.

He screws his eyes shut as he attempts to rein in his desires. 

“I’m sorry,” he answers before he can change his mind, “I really can’t stay.”

“I know.” Mai reaches a warm hand up to cup his cheek and all of his attention is back on her. “Tomorrow’s going to be annoying, but we’ll get through it. Okay?”

She smiles softly at him and it takes every cell in his being to not grab her by the hand and leave the Fire Nation tonight with her by his side. 

So instead he says, “Okay,” and leaves one final kiss on the corner of her mouth. Anything else would only be another test of his resolve.

***

Zuko’s bedroom feels much too empty and claustrophobic at once. He removes the tie in his hair and runs a hand through the loose strands before lighting the candle at his desk, and sighs. As he prepares the paper, brush, and ink, his Uncle’s voice in the back of his mind is the tether reminding him that he’s doing the right thing. Still, the blank page taunts him, daring him to find the words for what he could not say aloud.

He finally concludes that nothing he writes could ever be good enough because she deserves so much more than this. He does his best anyway.

***

Mai does not know how many times she has read over his letter, but eventually she had become numb to its words. Numb to everything around her, really.

She can’t say she’s exactly surprised he did something this reckless. She knew something was stewing in him ever since Ember Island; she had just thought that they had reached an agreement since then that included confiding in her before something like this could happen. But, she supposes, that’s what she gets for setting expectations.

She arrives at the heartbreaking conclusion that she wasn’t worth the trouble.


	4. Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mai acts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short (and sweet (?)) update for Valentine's Day.

Mai looks back only once - watches the gondola inch away towards certain freedom on the opposite cliffs. Realistically, she knows that it is impossible to make out anything through the haze of the boiling lake, but she swears she can see a set of familiar golden eyes imploring her own.

They say that actions speak louder than words, so she hopes that Zuko receives her message loud and clear.

She turns back to the guards carefully surrounding her and flicks her wrist, commanding the reliable cool steel steady between her fingers, and lets it fly.

***

_ “You’re betraying your country!” _

_ “That’s not how I see it.” _

When she had initially ambushed him in this cell, unscrolled the letter so that he too could feel mocked by its words, he had at least had the decency then to look ashamed. But now as he stands in front of her, shoulders square and jaw set, she is disheartened to find that he does not appear to regret his actions one bit.

In fact, he speaks with so much conviction that Mai knows he truly believes in his righteous path even if she didn’t believe that what constituted outright treason was actually up for debate.

“Mai...I’m sorry.” He takes a step forward and reaches out a hand, but the look on her face must be enough warning that it causes him to falter, and he clenches it into a fist against his side instead. “I wanted to tell you,” he continues, “but-”

“Then why didn’t you?” 

It makes no difference to her what he supposedly  _ wanted  _ to do because what matters is what he did (and didn’t) do. Her anger bubbles tumultuously inside of her and she knows she is only one more stupid comment away from bursting.

“Would you have tried to stop me if I did?” he challenges.

She boils over.

“Of course I would have!” She tries to keep her voice steady even though she can feel her throat tighten with all of the cruel words she wants to throw at him. Her voice cracks as it forms around the last word. “This is crazy, Zuko. Are you trying to get yourself  _ killed? _ ”

“Of course I’m not. But-”

“You could have fooled me,” she interjects. She’s not here for excuses. Honestly, she’s not really sure  _ why  _ she’s here. What is she hoping to gain from this? An empty apology? Answers to a riddle that is already solved? 

But she is here, now, so she will, at the very least use this as a semi-productive outlet for her pain. 

“How is that going for you?” she continues. “My uncle said you were caught impersonating a guard. Why were you even trying to break into the  _ Boiling Rock  _ of all places?”

Zuko sighs and looks to the side, unable to meet her stare. 

“You know I can’t tell you that.”

“Tch,” she scoffs. “No, apparently you can’t tell me anything. At least I finally understand where I stand with you.”

“It’s not like that,” he says quickly. His voice is soft and raspy in a way that makes her chest tighten. His eyes are wide and wounded when he looks up at her. 

Mai would almost regret her words if she knew there wasn’t any truth behind them. It’s not fair that he can speak to her like he still cares. Her vision begins to blur and she has to look away.

The logical part of her mind is reminding her that he’s a prisoner in a very unfavorable situation. Of course he would say anything to satiate her, try to persuade her onto his side. All of this an act to appeal to her broken heart.

But Zuko has always been far too sincere in nearly everything he says and does. He is not his sister.

She swallows back the tears that are threatening to spill as her thoughts teter between her anger and something far more treacherous.

Mai finally wills herself to look at him. His hair is disheveled and his prison rags are dirty. He is so far from the vision of the noble prince that she had last seen. But he still looks...better. She can almost understand Ty Lee’s ‘aura’ nonsense, because she can clearly see that something has shifted inside of him. He looks far more sure of himself in this stuffy prison cell than he ever did in the Fire Nation Palace, and she wonders how that could be.

“I can’t explain everything here,” he continues, keeping his voice low with care. “And I know I don’t deserve to ask this of you. But, I need you to trust me.”

No, he does not deserve to ask that of her because he did not extend the same courtesy before leaving behind only a letter full of vague apologies.

But does it matter? Is trusting someone something you can just choose to do? She’s not sure where he acquired these fanatical notions of injustice, because he was always much more inclined to boast about honor and country than she ever was. But if he was willing to throw all of that away due to some deranged sense of duty, then she knows that there must be something that she is missing.

Because she knows him. Because she  _ does  _ trust him.

How could he not know? 

There is the sound of boots clattering through the metal hallways and a guard stops in the doorway of the cell. “Ma’am there’s a riot going on. I’m here to protect you.”

_ Fantastic timing. _

In an instant the door is locked and she is trapped inside the dingy cell, staring into Zuko’s eyes for one final moment before he runs off. He is still clearly unsure of her resolution.

Fine. She’ll just have to show him.

***

Mai glides across the gondola platform, pinning down the guards around her with surprising ease while simultaneously losing respect for her uncle because these idiots were embarrassingly incompetent. 

She hopes that Zuko understands because she may never get the chance to tell him now.

_ Don’t screw this up. _

Mai does not get to make her grand love confession to Zuko, but the opportunity  _ does  _ present itself to rub it in Azula’s face one last time, and that at least delivers a small sense of satisfaction before she is cursed to spend the rest of her life rotting away. 

And later when she sits in the holding cell with a tearful Ty Lee, she finds that she is not the only one who’s dedication had been misjudged.

***

Sleep, in theory, should come easy to Zuko.

He had spent most of the previous night executing a (failed) prison break and the rest of the day battling through a successful one and his body is screaming to him in exhaustion.

But his mind is occupied with things other than sleep. Things like facing his ex-girlfriend and being confronted with the hurt he caused her with his decision. Resenting how much she must hate him now, only to have her turn around and save his life while sacrificing her own.

He rubbed at his forehead, hoping to quiet all of the conflicting feelings and thoughts that were swirling around in his mind. He tries not to think too much on where she is now, because he knows the only way he can help her (if it’s not too late to help her) is by winning this war. His current emotional state waves in a constant crest and dip of pride and fondness and longing and dread.

He keeps coming back to the question of  _ why.  _ But there is something in the back of his brain that whispers he knows the answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have crossed the halfway point! Thanks to everyone who has stuck around so far.
> 
> Find me on Tumblr @smilindesperado  
> My page is a little bare at the moment, and fair warning, I'm currently in the throes of my first Sopranos binge, but I have plans to be more active on there in the future.
> 
> Promoting my Tumblr in the author's notes? What is this 2014? (Tumblr saw this joke first. Follow me for more exclusives)


	5. Burdens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zuko doesn't want to burden Mai. Mai wants to stop feeling like a burden.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place during the Promise before the *breakup*. It's been a while since I read that comic, so I apologize if there are inaccuracies.

“Zuko.”

“ _ Zuko _ … ”

“Zuko!”

There is a quick shake of his shoulder and he jerks upright, eyes blinking slowly open to reveal a concerned looking Mai and Suki. Zuko rubs at his temple in an attempt to wipe away the remaining drowsiness that wracks his mind. The current security briefing with his new head guard is only one of the many items on his ever growing to-do list.

“I’m paying attention,” he grumbles, but the expression on the girls’ faces suggests that they believe otherwise.

“I can go over it again if you want,” Suki offers helpfully.

“No, it’s fine,” Zuko says quickly. “I got it.”

Suki shoots Mai a skeptical look, silently seeking her counsel. To Zuko’s relief Mai sighs, defeated. “I got it, Suki, you can go. I’ll review it with him later. Thank you.”

Suki nods and flashes them both a warm smile before making her exit leaving Zuko and Mai alone in the privacy of the sitting room in the Fire Lord’s suite. 

Mai turns in her seat to face Zuko and drapes her arm along the back of the couch, leaning her head to rest lazily against her hand. She doesn’t say anything aloud, but her deliberate stare provides clear insight into her thoughts. The silence chips away at his patience, and Zuko is the first to crack.

“I already know what you’re going to say, so say it.”

“I know I told you that you need to get more rest,” she says slowly, “but I didn’t mean during your security briefings.”

Zuko makes a noise of indignance and drops his head back against the couch. “I wasn’t sleeping.”

Mai is, again, knowingly silent.

“I  _ wasn’t,”  _ he protests. This merely earns him a signature eye roll at his expense.

He growls, exasperated, and bends forward, dropping his head into his hands.

Okay, yes he fell asleep, but it’s not like it was on purpose. He became powerless to the pull on his eyelids and thought that if he could just close them for a few minutes while he listened to Suki’s notes he would feel a lot better. Zuko thought that he had only just shut his eyes when he heard Mai’s voice calling out to him, dragging him out from unconsciousness. The fact that he had missed most of Suki’s security briefing clued him in to the fact that he had actually slept through better part of her detail.

There is the pressure of a cool hand against his neck as Mai rubs her thumb in slow circles at the base of his skull. He forces himself to sit upright before her massage can lull him back into slumber.

“Bringing in the Kyoshi Warriors to serve as your guard was supposed to help bring you some peace of mind so you could sleep at night,” she says. Her hand slides forward from its place on his neck to cup his cheek, and her thumb brushes along the edge of his scar as he leans into her touch.

Zuko glances over her face and catches sight of the bags under her eyes. He’s not the only one who has been working hard. 

He closes his eyes and sighs.

“I know. I  _ will. _ There’s just a lot happening right now. It’s not just-” he waves a hand around as if he could simply pluck out the words from thin air “-the assassination stuff.”

Mai hums and her eyebrows lift, likely unamused at his casualness around the “assasination stuff,” but that’s what it was to him. The assasination attempt, the unrest in Yu Dao, mediating the conflicts between his ministers and the Earth Kingdom, just one problem after another flowing into a never ending stream of demands for him to solve.

This is nothing new for him. This is basically how Zuko’s whole life has always operated; just continuing forward until he finds the solution or the solution finds him. Sometimes, the answer lies farther than it looks and sometimes it greets him like a burst of the sun, but the only way he gets there is to keep pushing. Rest only delays the inevitable.

He doesn’t fault Mai for not understanding. He doesn’t expect her to. It’s why he had stopped arguing against her protests - instead he’ll nod along to her suggestions, wait for her to leave, then return to the fray.

Mai sighs wistfully and tilts her head to observe him. “I should leave so you can get some sleep.”

He is suddenly very awake.

“No!” A panicked hand shoots out to grab at her wrist as if she was already on her way out the door. Mai shoots him a curious look, and Zuko sheepishly releases his grip, choosing instead to gently cover her hand with his own.

“I haven’t been able to spend much time with you lately,” he explains. “Stay, please. I’m fine.”

Her eyes scan over his face. He knows he probably did a poor job at convincing her, but to his surprise she sighs and shifts in her spot on the couch, draping his arm around her back so she can fold herself underneath and he allows himself to relax at her surrender.

Mai takes advantage of his current attention to fill in the gaps from the security detail and the rest of the time is spent briefly catching up. Zuko gives her a quick update on the Yu Dao situation, leaving out the less tedious and worrisome details. He doesn’t need to burden her any further. She in turn regales the horrors of living with her family from babysitting Tom Tom to her father’s recent bizarre behavior.

At some point while she’s speaking, Zuko’s eyes flutter closed. Mai heaves a soft sigh from under his arm and shifts herself out from his hold. It's just enough to keep him awake in the moment and he blinks his eyes back open. She turns to face him and he frowns at her because he already knows what she’s going to say.

“Can you at least take a  _ nap _ ?” It’s less of a question and more a command.

“I want to spend time with you,” he defends. “Besides, I still have some work I need to do later.”

“Fine,” Mai acquiesces but her lips draw into a thin line as her eyes sweep over his face again. “Can we at least go to your room and lie down? This couch isn’t as comfortable as it looks.”

He narrows his eyes at her, silently informing her that he sees through her thinly veiled attempt to force him into relaxation. But she is ever immune to his glare and simply rolls her eyes at his petulance.

“Come on,” she says and grabs his hand. “Or would you rather pout out here?”

He huffs in a show of displeasure but still allows her to lead him into his bedroom. 

When he settles back against the pillows as she molds herself next to him, he sighs happily, and a finger traces up and down her arm in a meditative trance. The feeling of her body pressed against his never fails to melt away his grievances, if only momentarily. He supposes he would not be so proud to admit that this actually was not a bad idea 

Her voice is low and syrupy when she speaks, and her light breath tickles his neck, sending a delightful chill across his flesh. “I’ll confess, I also had selfish reasons when I asked Suki for her help.”

“Oh yeah?” He tilts his head down and sees the hint of a smile at her lips.

“Yep,” she confirms and absentmindedly drags a finger across his chest, gently poking at him to punctuate her words. “They’re not gossips. I can finally spend time in your suite without creating a national scandal.”

This elicits a low chuckle from him. The arm that’s wrapped around her shoulder pulls her in closer, and he nuzzles into her hair, inhaling the familiar floral scents.

“That is a nice perk,” he muses.

He reaches out his free hand to tilt her chin up to meet his eyes. From this intimate view, he can see more clearly the exhaustion painted on her face. The faint dark circles he had noticed earlier are even more apparent and he is reminded that he’s not the only one his troubles affect. 

How much time did she spend fighting with his ministers to change his guard? How many letters were sent to Suki asking for her support? When he left for Yu Dao, did she spend restless nights worrying for him?

Zuko brushes back a loose hair and tucks it gently behind her ear. He bends down to meet her lips and hopes she knows just how much she means to him.

He is not the only one who faces the consequences of his struggles. He has allowed his problems to leak out and poison those he cares for most. 

It’s why he refuses to rest. 

He needs to fix this so he can fix the next thing and he can stop unloading his problems onto her (and everyone else for that matter). He cannot allow her to continuously pick up the pieces he leaves behind. She did at the Boiling Rock when he and Sokka acted on a shoddy half-formed plan and sacrificed herself in order to save him from his own mistakes. And as she lays tucked under his arm, shoulders sagging and sleep tugging at her eyes, he has unwittingly allowed her to do it all over again.

This has to stop.

Tonight, he will allow himself to enjoy this time with her, and once she leaves he will dive right back in with the hopes that the next time they lay together can be spent in carefree ease. It’s the least he can do for all that she has done for him.

***

Zuko opens his eyes to a dark room, the space on the mattress beside him sits cold and empty. The last thing he can remember is sharing whispers in between kisses as the sun had begun its descent in the sky. There is a hazy dream-like recollection from the beginnings of his reluctant slumber; Mai wiggling out from under his arms, the mattress shifting as she leaned over him, her hair tickling the sides of his face and the warmth on his crown when she pressed her lips against his head before lifting herself off of the bed.

He sits up and rubs the sleep from his eyes. His robes are wrinkled from his slumber, and he attempts to smooth them out before padding over to his wardrobe. He does not reach for his sleeping robes and instead grabs his cloak. He still has work to do.

But he needs help.

Uncle is in Ba Sing Se, his council and Aang are responsible for his current dilemma, and he cannot continue to drag Mai down with him. 

His father is the only person he doesn’t care to burden with his problems. So that’s where he will go.

***

Suki informs Mai that she discovered Zuko slipping out at night slinking off to the Capital City Prison under the cover of darkness. That it’s, actually, not the first time she has caught him doing this and he is very clearly trying to keep his nightly rendezvous with his father a secret.

Mai knows that Suki expects her to confront him, take his hands and stare into his eyes. Offer up a watery confession about how much she cares for him and is oh so worried.

But Suki was not there before. Suki did not see her already tip-toe around his very delicate emotional state, offering herself up for what she thought was comfort and a safe place to escape from his troubles, only to be left behind with merely a note as an afterthought.

This time, Mai decides, it’s her turn to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We were so close to a happy(ish) chapter with this one, weren't we?


	6. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mai doesn't want to get carried away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Officially in post canon territory, the great unknown.
> 
> I *think* the Imbalance comics implied that Suki was going to bring the Kyoshi Warriors to Cranefish to train their guard, but I could be misremembering. Either way, it is only referenced briefly, and doesn't really change anything about the chapter.

Sounds of celebration ring throughout the capital city. Stalls full of sweets, games, and crafts line the streets as the masked festival goers float from one booth to another taking in the sights. Paper lanterns glow overhead lighting the way while school-aged children zig zag through the bodies, their laughter filling the air. 

Tom Tom tugs Mai along by the hand, dragging her impatiently from stall to stall until he zeroes in on a tent full of stuffed turtle ducks and carved dragons. A particularly fluffy koala sheep catches his eye and Mai knows she is doomed to endure this stall too. 

This is the fourth stall on this street that she has been dragged into. Mai has to remind her brother, for the fourth time, that he can buy  _ one  _ toy from the festival, so he better make sure it’s something that he really wants.

The toddler contemplates the stuffed koala sheep in his hands, bringing it’s embroidered face up to his own to cast his judgement. He scrunches his nose in deliberation before placing it back on the shelf.

“Okay, let’s go,” he commands, and with another tug at her hand, she is dragged back out into the crowded streets.

They are immediately almost run over by a family the size of a village, and Mai guides them off to the side to safely determine their next destination. She sighs and takes advantage of the break, pushing her mask up to massage the spot on her forehead where she feels the dull pain of an oncoming headache.

Tom Tom looks up to her and gasps.

“Mai, put your mask back on! It’s bad luck!”

Mai looks down at him doubtfully. “I’ll be fine, Tom Tom.”

Her brother pouts and tugs impatiently at her sleeve. “But, Aunt Mura said we have to wear the masks ‘cause the spirits want to steal our faces.”

Mai debates spoiling the fun and telling him that it’s just a dumb superstition, but one look at the boy and she decides against it. She can’t quite see the expression on his face, but the concerned frown peeking out below his wolf mask is enough to give her second thoughts. Mai always found the Fire Days Festival superstitions tedious, but Tom Tom apparently took it very seriously. Just because her parents ruined the magic of folktales and spirits for  _ her  _ as a child, doesn’t mean she has to make her brother suffer through her own cynicism.

It still doesn’t mean she has to wear the stupid mask. 

She sighs and tries to find a solution that will satisfy them both. “We know the Avatar, remember? The spirits won’t bother us.”

This answer seems to be enough to calm his worries for now, and Tom Tom turns his attention back towards the crowd, likely searching for the next stall on his quest to obtain a new stuffed companion.

Mai, on the other hand, was just counting down the hours until the festival’s end. Festivals like this were always too loud, too crowded, and a bit tacky. The snacks were at least decent, she supposes, but she preferred to enjoy her food without the constant threat of being elbowed by ignorant passersby. 

If it were up to her she would spend the night far away from the commotion, but unfortunately that was not one of her options. Instead, her proffered choices were to be dragged along by Tom Tom throughout the festival or work the stall that her aunt had set up for the flower shop. She reached her decision easily enough.

Suddenly Tom Tom is clinging tightly to her robes, and Mai looks down at the boy curiously. She follows his wary stare out towards the crowd and locates the object of his suspicion.

The Blue Spirit approaches them with a miniature Dragon Emperor on his back and comes to a stop at their side. Tom Tom shuffles shyly behind Mai as she observes them curiously.

“It’s bad luck not to wear a mask, you know,” the Blue Spirit greets with a raspy voice that is all too familiar.

Mai rolls her eyes. “I already got the lecture from my brother. I don’t need another one from a dork in a theater mask.”

The Blue Spirit pushes his mask up under his hood, revealing a familiar scowl. He stands a bit taller, hair a bit longer, jaw more square, but he is still Zuko. The subtle changes only serve as a stark reminder of the time that has passed between them. His eyes are tugged into a glare with the frown on his lips completing the irritated expression, but Mai knows he’s not actually offended. After all, she used to be quite fond of his particular brand of faux indignance. 

Mai rolls her eyes at his reaction even though she finds herself in considerably better spirits than before.

“How humbling,” she muses, “I wasn’t expecting to run into the Fire Lord of all people.”

His scowl shifts into a friendly smile and Mai tries not to think about how it tugs at her heart (a leftover response from a previous life).

“I thought Kiyi would enjoy it,” Zuko explains, gently setting the small girl down onto the ground beside him. “Plus, no one can really recognize me with the mask and cloak.”

Mai chances a glance over his shoulder and spots a group of masked festival goers watching them intently, standing oddly rigid for the festive atmosphere. Curious.

“Your new security could work on their subtlety,” she comments with a nod to the group, who quickly try and fail at their best impressions of nonchalance.

Zuko scoffs. “The new head of security wasn’t thrilled with the idea, but-” he finishes off the sentence with a shrug by way of explanation. “Anyway, Kiyi wanted to come and say hi to Tom Tom.”

The short girl at his side crosses her arms defiantly and scoffs. “Uh no I didn’t. This was  _ your  _ idea.”

Zuko’s eyes go wide and he flushes, quickly tugging the mask back down over his face in a poor attempt to hide his guilt. An amused smirk threatens to pull at her lips, but Mai decides to play nice and ignore the girl’s comment. Zuko seems to have suffered enough embarrassment for now.

“Tom Tom and I were just looking for a festival souvenir,” she says, graciously changing the subject.

“The game booths have some nice prizes. We were actually on our way there when we saw you.”

Mai looks down at Tom Tom who had come out of hiding once he realized that the masked people charging towards them were just Zuko and Kiyi and not in fact spirits coming to punish his sister for her hubris.

“Well,” she asks the toddler, “What do you think, Tom Tom?”

Tom Tom shrugs. “Whatever.” 

It’s muffled behind his mask, but Mai is pretty sure she catches an amused snort from Zuko at her brother’s indifference. She can’t help but wonder if perhaps she was spending a bit too much time with her younger sibling.

They make their way towards the game booths a few streets away. Kiyi is practically dragging Zuko as he stumbles behind while the poorly disguised guards trail them. 

Zuko and Mai engage in conversation, but they don’t really say anything of importance. Zuko mentions a successful meeting with some Earth Kingdom Ambassadors and tells of his uncle’s recent visit, while Mai recalls the mundanity of the day to day at the flower shop. Occasionally Kiyi or Tom Tom pipe in, but they’re much more interested in the sights of the festival than idle small talk. 

Mai would normally also be bored to tears by their bland conversation but the pause between the end of one topic and the start of another is daunting, threatening an end to an encounter that she is not quite ready to finish.

But the conversation does not end and they continue to weave through the crowded streets while the children search for the most promising prize booth. One stall in particular is adorned with oversized platypus bears and dragons and sky bison as the barker tries to coax passersby with a competitive game of darts. The kids drag their siblings towards the game, which quickly devolves into an argument about who’s sibling will win.

“Zuzu is the best fire bender in the world,” Kiyi says as if it’s a well known fact, “he’s gonna win.”

“So? It’s not a bending game,” Tom Tom retorts, “and Mai can hit  _ anything.” _

Kiyi tugs at Zuko’s sleeve and looks up at him expectantly. “Tell Tom Tom he’s wrong. You’ll win, right Zuzu?”

“Actually-” Zuko protests and looks to Mai for assistance. Mai regards them with mild amusement and folds her arms over her chest.

“I think we should play,” she says.

Zuko grumbles something under his mask as he reluctantly pays for the game. While she can’t quite see his expression, she still has an idea of the scowl that lies underneath. 

It goes about as well as Mai had expected. Zuko’s aim is not bad by any means. If he had been playing against anyone else, he probably would have won. But luck would have it he was competing against Mai, and it was really no competition at all.

The end result is a stunned shopkeeper, an annoyed Kiyi, and a content Tom Tom who happily clutches onto a fluffy sky bison that’s nearly as big as he is.

Zuko rubs at the back of his neck, guilty, as he attempts to gratify his disappointed sister. “We can try another game?” he offers.

Kiyi considers it for a moment, but turns to Mai instead. “Can  _ you  _ win for me?”

Mai raises an eyebrow in amusement, flicking her eyes back to Zuko who shrugs in compromise. “Sure.”

The game operator appears much less thrilled at the prospect of Mai playing again, but she just rolls her eyes at his apprehension.

“It’s just for the kid,” she says, and he reluctantly accepts once she promises not to clear out his prize wall. She wins again just as easily as she had won the first, and Kiyi picks out a comically oversized dragon to rival Tom Tom’s.

“Thanks,” Zuko mumbles as they continue their journey through the festival, “Although you probably could have gone a little easier on me.”

Mai tilts her head, pretending to mull it over. “I suppose,” she admits. Her voice is even and serious, but her lips tug into a small smile. “You should have put up a better fight,  _ Fire Lord.” _

Zuko lets out a snort of amusement from under his mask, and Mai’s smile grows just a bit wider.

They’re interrupted by a pop of a firecracker, and the kids are immediately drawn to the festival stage as the firebending show begins. 

It’s amusing watching the children try to not trip over their new prizes until Mai notices the fluffy white bison tail dragging along the ground. She stops the children and suggests that her and Zuko watch their prizes while they run to the front of the stage. Tom Tom hands Mai his bison, and she dusts off it’s tail while Kiyi grabs his hand to pull him through the crowd.

If Mai were one to describe things as cute, then Kiyi taking Tom Tom under her guidance would be something that would fall into that category. Mai watches them weave their way through the crowd with something akin to fondness. 

Mai grows aware of just how tightly she is squeezing onto the stuffed bison, holding it into her chest. She feels ridiculous. Her face heats up when the gravity of the moment hits her as thoughts of contentment sneak their way through her mind. She attempts to rein them in before she can get ahead of herself. These thoughts were what led her to heartbreak in the first place.

Zuko says something to her, breaking her ruminations, but between the noise of the crowd and the barrier of the mask, she can’t quite make it out.

“What?”

Zuko pushes the Blue Spirit mask back up. 

“Sorry,” he says, much less muffled than before, “I was just saying...Kiyi  _ did  _ actually want to say hi to Tom Tom earlier. I only suggested it, that’s all.”

Normally, Mai could find entertainment in Zuko’s awkwardness, but something bothers her about his earlier approach. There was a lot of history between them, a lot of hurt between them, but he was still the person who had known her more intimately than anyone. The strangeness he exhibited towards simply greeting her doesn’t sit well.

“You don’t need an excuse to say hi to me, you know.”

“I know that.” He frowns and pauses as he considers how he should proceed. “I’m happy we ran into you two.”

Mai looks back towards the stage in an effort to fight the warmth that’s threatening to spill from her cheeks. “Me too.”

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen...anyone actually.” 

Mai turns back to Zuko and his expression shifts into something more thoughtful. From their time together, Mai knows that Aang and the others had kept in touch sporadically, but everyone was so busy putting the world back together that their paths cannot cross as frequently as they would like. She knew how much he had missed their company back then and can only imagine it’s gotten worse since Suki and Ty Lee had left some weeks ago. 

She could sympathize. It’s not like she had anyone else around either.

“If it makes you feel better, the only socializing I get is with two middle-aged women and a four year old,” she offers.

Zuko elicits a low chuckle in response, but then quickly shifts uncomfortably and clears his throat. Mai wonders what spurred the sudden change in his demeanor.

“What about Kei Lo?” he asks hesitantly. “Is he...not around anymore?”

That explains that. Mai sighs. “No, he is not.”

“Oh.” He perks up and does a poor job at hiding his relief. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“You’re a bad liar, you know that?”

“What?” he asks lamely.

Mai tilts her head to the side and eyes him evenly.

Zuko huffs, defeated. “Alright, fine. So what? It’s not like he liked  _ me  _ very much, either.”

“Wonder why.”

Zuko opens his mouth to respond but quickly clamps it shut and faces forward instead as a heavy silence cloaks them. Mai subconsciously pulls the stuffed bison in closer, resting her chin atop it’s head in contemplation.

She wondered if his thoughts were treading into the same dangerous territory where hers had gone. That perhaps Kei Lo never liked Zuko very much because Zuko had done a very poor job at hiding his lingering feelings for her. It’s not like she had done much better, though she had at least  _ tried  _ a little harder. Still, she couldn’t fault Kei Lo for leaving in the end.

“It’s been nice…” Zuko says eventually, “getting to spend time with you tonight.” His voice is low against the roar of the crowd, but the words resonate loudly in her ears.

“Yeah. It has been,” she agrees even though she still can’t bring herself to meet his eyes. Instead she stares ahead blankly at the stage, though she can’t seem to remember anything of the performance.

There is a nagging at her that tells her that this is okay, this night. That it would be okay to spend time like this again in the future since all of their friends are so far away. They were such good friends after all, why couldn’t they go back to that?

Mai runs through the sentences in her mind a few times, deciding on how she should breach the topic. She thinks she might have something, but then there is a crack and bang of firecrackers exploding. The booming voice of the performers cuts through the air and the words are scared back into her throat.

She turns to look at Zuko in hopes of mustering up the courage again, but instead it produces the opposite effect. When she meets his eyes she finds that he was already looking at her.

A small grin alights his face as their gazes connect. Mai’s heart thumps uncomfortably in her chest knowing that she is hopeless to stop the blush that streaks across her cheeks. The involuntary smile that tugs at the corners of her lips further prevents her from voicing her thoughts aloud.

It is with reluctance that she realizes the simple truth; they are too far gone to attempt anything more than this. 

There would be good days where they can catch up with one another, confide in each other the woes and monotony of their day to day lives. But then there would be times like this, that tug at their hearts and spring hope into their minds. That hope would be the fatal seed that allows them to believe that they could try again, only to be uprooted when they one eventually hurt the other as is their routine. And she wasn’t sure if she could take the heartbreak again.

Zuko’s expression shifts; his smile slips and lips press into a thin line. Mai wonders, again, if their thoughts linger in the same space. She turns her attention back towards the stage in an effort to occupy her attention with the show’s grand finale.

Mai is grateful when the end comes quickly enough and they soon spot Kiyi dragging Tom Tom back along to where Mai and Zuko stand. The young girl lifts her arms up to Zuko, and he understands her demands. He hands her back her dragon while he scoops her up as Tom Tom reaches out a small hand for Mai to grab.

Mai catches sight of one of the guards signaling towards the Fire Lord, and Zuko sighs beside her.

“Guess that’s my cue,” he grumbles and turns his head to address Kiyi in his arms. “You ready to go back?” Kiyi nods.

“Say bye to Zuko and Kiyi,” Mai tells Tom Tom who mimics a “bye” accompanied by a half-hearted wave.

Mai sighs at her brother’s less than enthusiastic farewell. “We’ll see you around,” she mumbles to Zuko.

“I hope so,” he responds and Mai’s eyes briefly flick up to him. She hesitantly returns his smile before turning away in the opposite direction, Tom Tom in tow.

As much as she would have wanted to make plans for the future, she knows that the occasional chance meeting and fleeting moments were for the best.

She does, however, allow herself to look forward to the next encounter.

***

_ “It’s been nice...getting to spend time with you tonight.” _

_ “Yeah. It has been.” _

Zuko had wanted to say something, but the cracks and booms from the performance drown out his thoughts.

He turns to face her and hopes that doing so will provide the insight that he was searching for. Instead, it has the opposite effect.

The firecrackers spark ahead of them. The red and gold hues cast her features in an ephemeral glow, alighting in tune with the cracks from the explosions. He notes with amusement the uncharacteristic way she clings onto the fluffy bison, holding it tight against her chest. She turns her head to face him, and he catches the lovely flush that rises onto her cheeks. It takes everything in his willpower not to reach out and pull her closer into him, wrap his arms around her just as she held the stuffed animal.

But then her expression shifts and he can tell her thoughts have drifted elsewhere. Her small smile turns into a frown, and he wonders what conclusion she could have reached that caused the sudden change in her demeanor. He feels his own smile fade, and she turns her attention back towards the stage.

Doubt creeps into his thoughts, but he tries to not let it spoil the evening. They were having a nice night, weren’t they? He had thought so, but now judging by her reaction he’s not as sure.

“We’ll see you around,” she mumbles as she begins to guide Tom Tom in the other direction.

“I hope so,” he says, truthfully. 

He’s not sure what this night means for them, but he knows that he’s not ready to let her go just yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come commiserate with me on [tumblr](https://smilindesperado.tumblr.com/)


	7. From the Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zuko makes a proposal. Mai takes a leap of faith.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who's been along for the journey! Enjoy!

Zuko knows that all good things must come to an end, but that doesn’t mean he has to accept it so eagerly.

He chances a glance at Mai, who is seated opposite him at the long oak table in one of the palace’s many meeting rooms. She scribbles down a few notes from the scroll in front of her, her strokes of the brush sure and steady. She must sense his stare on her as she lifts her head and flashes him a curious glance. He smiles warmly, and she turns back towards her work with a sigh. 

Not quite the reaction he was hoping for, but the fact that she is here is progress enough.

After the Fire Day’s Festival, Zuko had extended a friendly invitation for a visit approximately twice, only to be twice declined with less than convincing excuses. It was clear that Mai still held some reservations towards any kind of relationship between them, so he knew he would have to alter his approach.

But luck would have it, she requested an audience with him only a few days later.

As grateful as he was for the visit, he couldn’t help but wonder what could have brought on her change of heart. Perhaps, he hoped, she was finally ready to open herself up to a relationship with him again, friendly or otherwise. Although, he knew it could always be the opposite. Maybe, he worried, she was coming around to tell him off once and for all, requesting to cut off all ties, forever.

It turned out to be neither. Instead, she arrived to her appointment with a box full of scrolls, and it slowly started to make sense. Though Zuko was disappointed that her visit was not for personal reasons, the oddly formal request should have clued him in that this was a meeting and not a date.

Before he could even attempt to exchange pleasantries, Mai pushed the box towards him and explained that she was cleaning out her father’s office in their old house when she happened across some documents she thought might be of interest. They were.

Zuko examined the curious papers and realized that they were from her father’s time with the New Ozai Society. While it appeared that much of that faction had disbanded with her father’s arrest, the letters that noted current members of his court as Ozai sympathizers were more than slightly concerning.

Zuko wrote to his Uncle requesting his assistance, and with Mai’s help the three of them have spent the past few weeks cleaning up and replacing the more worrying members of his court. What looked like a giant new headache for Zuko to deal with was actually handled quite promptly in no small part due to Mai’s own proficiency with the matter. It turns out Mai had picked up a lot from her father’s time in politics and seemed to almost enjoy it when she actually had a voice (and  _ especially  _ when she used her voice to knock an ignorant politician down a peg or two).

Even Uncle seemed to enjoy her handlings of the court, and found even  _ more  _ entertainment in how easily distracted Zuko was throughout all of this.

Zuko is now acutely aware of a pair of eyes on  _ him _ and turns to where his Uncle is seated at the other end of the table. The old man’s eyes twinkle with knowing amusement, and Zuko has to make a conscious effort to not mirror Mai’s reaction.

***

“She is quite a force against your old ministers,” Uncle observes one evening as they take dinner. “She has sharp wit. And is quite efficient.”

Zuko smiles behind his cup, taking a sip. “She is.”

“I must admit, I have misread her,” he muses, stroking thoughtfully at his beard. “Though her delivery is a bit cold, she actually seems to be quite passionate in her deliberations. And shows great concern for your well being.” He sets his cup down and looks back up to Zuko with a knowing smirk. “Almost reminds me of someone else I know with a harsh exterior and heart of gold.”

In another lifetime, Zuko would have growled at his Uncle’s thinly veiled observations, but lately he has been in too good of a mood to care. He huffs half heartedly instead. “Shouldn’t you be the one telling  _ me  _ not to judge a book by it’s cover?”

Uncle barks out a laugh. “The student becomes the master!”

Zuko smiles at his uncle. It’s been nice having him around too.

“She would make a great addition to your court,” Uncle suggests.

Zuko furrows his brow in thought. “Like as an advisor?”

Uncle looks into his tea cup, swirls it’s contents around with interest. “Perhaps.” He glances back up to Zuko, lifting his eyebrows curiously. “Unless you have something else in mind.”

***

Zuko almost resents that he and Mai were perhaps  _ too  _ efficient when working together because they are already sitting in their final meeting. It is with reluctance that he acknowledges he is running out of time.

The meeting reaches its end, and he says his goodbyes.

“Mai,” he says, almost breathless with all of the words he wishes he could say, “Thank you. For everything.”

“Just doing my duty as a concerned citizen.”

Zuko chuckles. “Well, your nation is grateful for your service.”

The corners of her lips lift pleasantly before she switches to her natural state and feigns an unimpressed sigh. “Goodbye, Zuko. I’m sure our paths will cross at the next threat of insurrection or annoying event we’re both obligated too. Whatever comes first, I guess.”

“Yeah.” He smiles back even though these final moments are subdued by the regret that their time together has already reached its end. “Yeah, okay.”

Her eyes sweep over him once more, lingering for just a moment on his that he almost thinks she will say more, but then she turns and makes her exit. His feet remain frozen in their spot as he watches her figure push aside the curtains and vanish through them.

Zuko had more that _he_ wanted to say, but he couldn’t do it. As much as he wanted to call out to her, hold her back and spill his heart out for her on the table, it didn’t feel fair. She has already done so much for him over these past few weeks, and he couldn’t taint those moments with his selfish desires.

So he watches her go and can only hope that this is not the end.

Uncle approaches at his side and follows Zuko’s stare past the curtains. “You do not seem satisfied with your conversation,” he observes. “What did you discuss?”

Zuko stares blankly ahead. “We didn’t really discuss anything.”

“Hmm, that is a shame.” Uncle presses his lips together thoughtfully. “Nephew, do you know why it can be so hard to speak freely from our hearts?”

Zuko remains silent and knows his uncle will deliver one of his life lessons whether he attempts a guess or not.

“It can be for a many number of things. Embarrassment...politeness...but sometimes it’s for protection. We build walls to keep others out, protect our hearts.” Uncle pauses and tilts his head to address Zuko directly. “And sometimes we force distance to protect others from ourselves. 

“Oftentimes when we do this, we are left wanting and the other is left ignorant. In the end, we are only doing a great disservice to all parties involved. It can be frightening, not knowing what the outcome will be if we try, but it is more painful, I believe, to not open ourselves up to accept the happiness that we truly desire.”

Zuko looks at his Uncle curiously, blinking as he dissects the man’s words. He understands the point that Uncle is trying to make, but he’s not sure it’s enough. It doesn’t matter if it’s just what  _ he  _ wants because she has to want it too. 

But then he turns the advice over again in his mind as an answer begins to burn through. Then, his resolve greets him like a burst of the sun.

“I have to go.”

Uncle nods with a knowing smile and Zuko charges forward, sweeping through the curtains.

He runs. The many halls and rooms of the Fire Nation Palace blur by Zuko as his feet carry him towards his destination. He passes a few servants and guards regarding him with wariness and curiosity. The sight of a panicked-looking Fire Lord running through the palace with urgency is perhaps a cause of alarm for them, but it’s easy to ignore their stares as his window of opportunity only grows more narrow.

He finds her just in time on the terrace of the palace’s grand entrance. She turns, alarmed, as he throws open the doors and tilts her head curiously at his sudden appearance. The setting sun behind her casts her face in shadows, but he can imagine the skeptical look that adorns her features. The humid Fire Nation air does little for the sweat that clings to his neck and back as he takes a few hesitant steps towards her.

“Is there a problem?” She asks when he still can’t manage an explanation, in part due to his breathlessness from his run and better part because he’s still working on the most eloquent way to form his admission

“Uh...no!” He huffs out in between breaths. “I mean, yeah actually. It’s not really a problem I guess, but it kind of is…”

He rubs at the back of his neck awkwardly and chances to look up at her, now close enough to see her expression plainly. Her eyebrow raises as she waits for a better explanation. He tries again.

“I love you!”

Wait-

He quickly screws his eyes shut and sucks in a heavy breath as if he could pull the clumsy admission back into his throat. His grand confession of feelings was  _ supposed  _ to come with time after he had offered her the position on his council so they could slowly work their way there, naturally.

But that’s fine. Maybe he could work with this.

When he finally gathers the courage to open his eyes, she is standing dangerously still as if someone held a blade against her throat. Eventually her eyes narrow. 

Her voice is low when she speaks - a warning.  _ “Zuko…” _

He swallows and briefly wonders if death would be more forgiving.

“I didn’t mean to say that.” The words spill forth again, but he is quick to rectify. “I mean I did. I  _ do! _ But that’s not what I meant to say. Actually I  _ wanted  _ to offer you a position on my council.”

Mai folds her arms over her chest and levels her stare. “So when you professed your love for me, it was actually a job offer.”

“Ugh!” he growls, throwing his hands up in frustration. “It’s not like that!”

Mai sighs and turns away from him. “We already tried this, Zuko. It didn’t work.”

This conversation is decidedly not going as planned, and his frustrations start to get the better of him.

“You’re scared.”

She spins to face him. Her eyes grow wide, and he can spot the anger alighting in them. “Excuse  _ me?” _

He gulps and attempts to compose himself so he can stop blurting out the first thought that enters his mind. He trains his voice to speak evenly although he’s very aware that anything he says can irreparably damage whatever hope was left for them. 

He breathes in, and out. And tries again.

“Mai, I know I screwed up. More than once. I know that.” 

Taking a risk, he steps closer to her and is relieved when she remains solid in her spot even though she still leers at him in warning. 

He continues, “But are you really okay just pretending like you’re okay with this? Holding back because you’re afraid of getting hurt again? Because I’m not.”

She’s facing him fully now, shoulders rigid. Her anger has dissipated slightly, but she’s still on the defensive. 

“Have you even  _ tried  _ to move on?” she asks, “It’s probably easier than you think.”

“Yeah? How did that work for you?”

She flinches and he almost regrets saying it. He softens his tone and tries again. “I don’t need to move on when I know I want to be with you.”

Her eyes are still narrowed as she takes a moment to look over him. A bead of sweat drops down his back while she makes her deliberation, but his feet remain solid underneath him. He’s prepared to take whatever strike she delivers.

“What makes you think this time would be any different?” she argues. He’s about to argue back until he realizes the question isn’t rhetorical this time. She’s looking for a real answer.

He wills Uncle’s ‘speak from the heart’ advice and attempts to give her one.

“I tried to protect you before, from my problems...my mistakes. I didn’t want to unload everything onto you, and I was afraid you’d think less of me or get tired of me. That I’d become too much of a burden. But I realize now that I can’t make that decision for you, that I have to trust you. And I do.”

She is staring daggers into him, and he has to shift his gaze to the ground so he doesn’t lose sight of his resolve. He inhales sharply and pieces his thoughts back together. 

“I can’t promise that I won’t screw up again. I mean, I probably will. But…” He shifts his gaze back up to her to find that her eyes are boring into him, locking him in this moment “-I need you to trust me, too. That when I do stupid things, I’m not doing it to hurt you. And that you won’t hold back with me.”

His heart beats loud in his ears, and he holds his breath out of fear that even the smallest movement from him will give way to her doubts. He watches as she takes the time to dissect his words, carefully considering her options. The silence is almost oppressive, and Zuko feels like if he doesn’t say anything soon, they will stand there in uncomfortable stillness through the night. 

“You...you don’t have to give me an answer now, I guess. And if you really don’t want to try again, then I promise to leave you alone. But… if you’re just saying no because you’re afraid of what could go wrong then...then you’re making a mistake.”

Her expression remains unreadable, but the fact that he is not pinned to the wall behind him is a good sign that she is taking him seriously.

“I don’t think the rest of your council would be thrilled that you’re confessing your love to your new candidate for advisor,” she says dryly. 

Her non-answer cuts into his patience, and he addresses her head-on. “I don’t care what they think.”

“You should.”

“Then we can just get married, and you’ll be a part of the court as Fire Lady. I don’t  _ care,  _ I just want you there with me.”

Mai’s expression grows a little more readable when her eyes widen at his proposal.

The weight of the words he has let slip dawn on him, and he pales. That part of the plan was reserved for  _ much  _ later.

Well, at least there was nothing more to hold back.

***

Mai wasn’t ignorant. She noticed the longing glances, the warm smiles sent her way, the extraneous invitations to go over the same lengthy procedures while they worked together over the past few weeks. So, it’s not necessarily a surprise that he has allowed an awkward confession to tumble from his lips.

What she did  _ not  _ expect was a marriage proposal thrown out casually as if it were the most obvious solution. To say that she was only slightly concerned for his mental well-being was an understatement.

But then again, everything he said before that...actually made some semblance of sense.

Mai is sure that her mind is racing, but the thoughts are so fleeting and numerous that she’s drawing a blank on how to respond. She narrows her eyes at him in an attempt to get a read on his sincerity in the matter.

“You’re serious,” she says, finally.

Zuko swallows and nods slowly. “I know that probably sounded crazy-”

“It did.”

“-but I mean it.” He straightens up, standing tall and shoulders square as he says it. His voice is finally steady with conviction, and Mai knows that he truly believes in what he’s saying. “We’ve already done this. We’ve already failed at this. And I know we won’t be perfect, but if we’re both willing to trust each other, I really think this will work. I  _ know  _ you, and I know I want you with me forever. So...why not?”

Mai is quiet again. She, unlike Zuko, has mastered some form of self-control. Every cell in her being is screaming out to her, telling her that she should run now while she still has the chance to save herself from the risk of heartbreak once more.

But she is tired of holding back.

Is it really cowardice to want to protect your heart? Keep it safe from harm? It doesn’t matter, she supposes, because her heart hurts either way. It hurt then when he didn’t confide in her and left her behind. And it hurts now when his name comes up in conversation or she glances at their portrait still in her dresser. There is nothing she can do about the latter, but the former? That can be fixed.

It already is being fixed, now, as he stands in front of her, making plain his intentions and allowing her to decide what she will do with it.

She takes him in. He is still the boy who shared her interest in knives, and the boy who was banished from his nation. The one who left her behind, and the one she saved anyway so that he could see his destiny through. He is the Fire Lord and her best friend, and all that she’s ever wanted.

If he is willing to trust her now, then she thinks that she might be able to do the same for him. (Not like it was really a choice. She knows that trusting him isn’t something she can simply decide to do. It’s just something that she does.)

So she acts, because grand confessions weren’t really her taste.

Mai steps towards him and reaches around the back of his neck, pulling his face into hers. She answers him plainly, pressing her lips tenderly against his. He freezes, briefly, before complying and sighs into her kiss. His hands are warm against her waist as he pulls her closer into him.

They pull apart, his hands resting comfortably at her side as he leans his head down to rest against hers. He smiles stupidly down at her as an enjoyable warmth spreads across her cheeks.

“So does that mean…?”

She supplies him with a mocking scowl as if to scold him. “You realize you proposed to me with a job offer.”

He laughs. The sound electrifies the air around her and paints a pleasant smile along her lips. “That wasn’t very romantic, was it?”

“Not the proposal little girls dream about, no.”

He takes her hands in his and steps back, lowering down onto a knee. He looks up at her, eyes full of wonder and he speaks through his grin. “Mai, I don’t want to ever break up again. I want you by my side, forever, if you’ll have me.”

She reaches down and hooks a slender finger under his chin, guiding him to stand before her. His eyes remain locked into hers as he rises from the ground. She moves her hand to rest on his cheek, and matches his dreamy expression.

“Okay.”

She forgoes an elaborate monologue and trusts that he will understand all of the emotions that are held in those two syllables.

He does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, it is absolutely a terrible idea to propose marriage when you're trying to win back an ex. But, when Zuko sets his intentions on something he commits 110%. I actually wrote a first draft that was a little safer and didn't result in a proposal, but it didn't feel quite right for their journey throughout this series. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Come find me on [Tumblr](https://smilindesperado.tumblr.com/), where I will absolutely be overanalyzing every piece of news that comes out about the new projects from Avatar Studios(?!)


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